You’ll get hee-haw from them…

In a move that has come as no surprise to anyone in the drinks industry, Tennent’s Lager has rolled out a Tennent’s-free lager in the run up to the festive period. The nation is about to enter the booziest days of the year and while there is a feeling that any old alcoholic tat will do for punters to throw down their gullets in the hope of becoming so inebriated that they can tolerate their family members and colleagues in a social environment, you have to give Tennent’s credit for taking such a bold step to minimise the weakness of their product range.

It has been a long road for Tennent’s and over the years; the quality of their product has had absolutely no impact on the sales of the premium cooking lager in Scotland. Sales were at an all-time high when the drinks company plastered pretty ladies on the sides of their cans but of course, that was back in the 70s and looking back, the company comes across as one of the least offensive operators in that decade! Years sponsoring the major music festival in the country and backing the national team and leading cup tournament in Scottish football has also bought the company a lot of good will, but in the 2010s, with focus falling on the product as opposed to the marketing, Tennent’s has realised the jig is up.

A company spokesperson released the following statement:

“In the last few years, we’ve been increasingly asked by our drinkers to create a lager that tastes completely different from what we have been serving up for years. From youngsters enjoying their first sips of alcohol to the old jakes at the bar shuffling out time between the first race of the day and getting to shout at the radio when the football phone-ins start, the demand for a Tennent’s drink that tastes, looks and feels nothing like Tennent’s has been there for some time – we only expect this demand to increase substantially now that more people are realising what decent lager is like.”

Tennents Hee Haw

Tennents Hee Haw

“We have spent a considerable amount of time to get the drink just right, and although we’ve taken the taste and nature of Tennent’s out of it, we believe that what is left is what our punters are looking for from Tennent’s – nothing. We look forward to seeing what our bevvy merchants make of it.”

We attempted to contact the actor that played Hugh Tennent in recent commercials to get his opinion on this bold move but his agent responded with; “Are you lot mad? You do realise he was playing a character don’t you?” Yes, and quite the character if the stories in the adverts are meant to be believed – anyways, when you are thinking about raising a glass over the festive period, you can now raise a Tennent’s with great joy knowing that it won’t taste like a Tennents at all.

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No of course, not – but Tennent’s have rolled out a new drink called the Hee Haw, a 0.05% lager aimed at giving designated drivers and folk that aren’t drinking another option when on a night out. Whether it’ll be a hit or not remains to be seen, but the more safe and sensible options that don’t leave people feeling like an outcast on a night out has to be a positive thing. For more news on the story and the proper quotes, please visit the Drum.

Also, we’re not bevvy snobs, a cold pint of Tennent’s in a pub that looks after it’s pipes is never a bad thing….I just don’t think we’d thank you for a can or bottle of it these days.